Being Wendy’s Bitch

It’s hard out there for Greg Abbott these days. He’s had to deal with the fallout from his friendship with a child molester and the botched rollout of his low-rent education plan, which came under attack because it cribbed extensively from the work of Charles ‘Women Just Aren’t As Smart As Men’ Murray. If you’re wondering who Chuck is, check out this page at the Southern Poverty Law Center. For me, I stopped reading as soon as I read that he was a ‘fellow’ at the American Enterprise Institute, an organization which produces ‘academic research’ on the:

1) Non-reality of Climate Change
2) Benefits of supply side economics (using ‘select’ data to, you know, arrive at preconceived conclusions)
3) Job creators and how awesome they are
4) Takers and how much they suck (take that, Grandma!)

Needless to say, it’s a been a shitty couple of weeks for Team Abbott mostly because the Davis Campaign is making him their bitch. Friday’s press release mocking Abbott’s pathetic attempt at cleaning up the mess over the inclusion in his education plan of Pre-K standardized testing (yeah, you read that right) was absolutely brilliant. Abbott’s PR Machine Of Fail came up with the brilliant idea to say that the testing piece was ‘for information purposes only’. Davis’s comms people picked it up, ran with it and made it a thing. Special love to the genius who included this…

NOTE: If you agree with this release, please consider it real. If you find it offensive or unpopular, please consider it for “informational purposes only”.

at the top of the release. When I meet you, I’m going to kiss you right on the mouth!

It’s just absofuckinglutely wonderful to see you guys hitting on all cylinders. Fantastic work!

Posted in Democratic fun..., Stupid Republican Tricks | Tagged | Leave a comment

How about being Pro-Choice because you aren’t an asshole?

Let me set the stage for you. It’s mid-afternoon on a Thursday, I’m sitting in the Frat house with some brothers when big news hits. Now, to be fair, the biggest news that happened in our little circle this week was the Federales ruling that Student Ath-o-leets could unionize and be employees. of the school. But a close second for me was seeing the Appeals Court uphold the legality of that shitty set of abortion restrictions designed to close down all the clinics and stuff.

You remember those from last summer, right? Wendy fucking Davis and her band of sisters filibustered, screamed, yelled, threw tampons and did sketchy stuff involving literal jars of shit. Nope? Well, neither did any of my fraternity brothers. Unsurprisingly, like other institutions in West Campus, all these dudes are sorta right-wing. At the risk of sounding like the world’s biggest goddamn hypocrite, I would attribute this do the complex political science school of thought called “Daddy’s Money.”

But I think some of these guys grew up with some religious influence shit in their lives or something, because when I shared the news with the room, it set off a firestorm of a debate about abortion in general. Now, in an effort of full disclosure, I was raised in some super secular Episcopal church and my daddy is an ambulance chaser, so you can probably guess where I stand on a bunch of these issues. And, of course, it is also in my self-interest to see women have some semblance of goddamn control over their fucking cunts (pun intended). Ostensibly, it should be in the other guys’ self-interest too.

Now, a few months ago, back when everyone was in the midst literal pandemonium over Wendy fucking Davis and the filibuster, one of the kiddos at the Burnt Orange (echo chamber) Repertoire wrote this painful piece called “Bro-Choice” (not frat dude, not frat).  In it, there were some gems like “viewing reproductive rights as a women’s issue alone is easier and in some ways encouraged by outdated parts of masculine culture, and it’s wrong,” and “For those of us guys who like girls — you know, like them like them — and want to have relationships with them that may last anywhere from a few minutes to many years.”

First off, and I risk the obvious when I say this, but I would hope this kiddo isn’t only lasting a few minutes in the sack. I know kids from Houston who can fuck longer than that. But the more important issue revolves around the fact that the typical “none of my goddamn business” approach is outdated and men should have some sort of weird show of faux empathy in order to be on the right side of this issue.

Here’s a novel suggestion, how about not being an asshole? I don’t have a pussy, so it’s none of my goddamn business what a woman does with hers. Of course, the whole “your sex life will be at stake” speaks to few people as loud as it does to me, as I love –and I mean loooooooooooooove– the sexual liberation and all the easy ass and fucking that goes along with it, but even I am not so much of an unmitigated dickwad to not think of anything else besides my own prurient interests.

I tried selling all this to my fraternity brothers, but few of them possess even the pittance of empathy required for a position like that. Even though many of them fuck likes rabbits or yours truly, they are not budging because nothing is in it for them. The BOR kiddo’s perspective only excuses that harmfully selfish culture by trying to put something in it for the fellas.

NO! Grow the fuck up and realize the entire goddamn world does not revolve around your fucking pecker. Wear a freaking condom you little shits, and take fucking responsibility for the consequences that may follow from carelessly boinking ladies. 

Now, I’ve accept that I am a hedonist and chauvinist, and I’ve even (incorrectly, I might say) labeled a misogynist, but I legitimately have female friends whose issues I can understand without making it about myself. I will never get pregnant, nor will my frat bros like “Fucked-up Freddy or “Racist Remy.” But unlike those pieces of shit, I can understand and empathize with an issue even if it bares little direct benefit to me.

So there you have it. I’m not necessarily pro-choice as much as it is just none of my fucking business. But I am atheist and otherwise left of the center, but mainly I’m just not an asswipe. And to the guys who are trying to justify their views by making it about themselves: FUCK YOU.

Anyways, I’m done pre-gaming. See you next week, fuckers!

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Hegar’s Horrible Idea

Glenn Hegar Wants A 20% Sales Tax | Texas Democratic Party.

Yeah, it’s true. Glenn Hegar, in what can only be an effort to prove he’s really ignorant regarding how the economy works, is advocating a 20% sales tax.

This is a great idea if you want to:

1) Readjust economic growth to a new, lower trend line (long term effect)

2) Probably cause an immediate recession and increase unemployment (short term effect)

3) Massively increase the number of poor people automatically (short term effect)

4) Cause extreme economic damage to the young (long term effect)

5) Further reduce the already shrinking middle class (long term effect)

A modern consumer economy (you know, Texas in 2014) can only properly function when those in the bottom 60% of earners (the largest number of consumers) can afford to buy goods and services. Part of the reason we’re seeing such a sluggish recovery is because incomes in the bottom three quintiles have not increased meaningfully and so those folks can’t spend… meanwhile, wealthy people have gotten much wealthier and, as predicted, aren’t making up for the lack of demand from the bottom of the socioeconomic pile.

Just looking at this tells you all you need to know about the uselessness of supply side economic measures in an economy with a massive demand gap, but that’s beside the point. What you need to take away from this is that Glenn Hegar thinks the best way forward is to create a recession and make a lot of poor people even poorer.

But don’t worry those of you in the top 40%. Eventually the pain will hit you, too.

Posted in Economy, Stupid Republican Tricks, Texas | Comments Off

Yeah, you’re getting screwed…

Attention taxpayers… your spending at Wal Mart and support for their efforts to keep unions from forming are costing YOU money!

Wal-Mart's dependence on food stamps, revealed – latimes.com.

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Texas Dems have herpes

Oh boy, it’s the Monday after Roundup, which means it is time for my monthly STD test. Days like these, when I sit on my laptop in the UT Health clinic on Dean Keaton, I am reminded of my daddy’s parting advice to me as I left for college. I had packed just about everything I own into my modest Beemer, and my parents gathered on the driveway to give me a sendoff. My mom, in utter histrionics at the prospect of her baby leaving the nest, said all that obligatory mushy shit, for a soliloquy lasting no fewer than five minutes. Daddy, always a laconic man, simply told me: “Remember kiddo, not everything can be cured with penicillin” before handing me a five dollar bill and going back inside.

That advice has always resonated with me, and not just in regard to my lubricous dealings. Perhaps I was reading into the old man’s wisdom a little too closely, but I have always interpreted it to be a folksy way of saying not to rely on anything as a supposed panacea. However, this is exactly what the dumbass Texas Democrats have been doing lately.

For far too long, the shithead Democrats in this shitbox State have been complacent with doing terribly. And by terrible, I mean Houston Astros bad. The oft-repeated cliché I have heard ad naseum in recent years is “there is nowhere to go but up.” No, you fucking dipshit, there is still lots of room to get worse. Voter turnout in 2014 is lower among Democrats than it ever has been. Dems maintain the fewest county offices they have ever held in State history, and it is going to keep getting worse. Ladies and gentlemen, the Texas Democrats have been plagued by the political equivalent of a venereal disease. I’d say we should stop paying for pussy by the hour, but everyone knows the Dem establishments here don’t got the money for that.

And like the odious ills I may have been afflicted by this weekend through the classy ladies of Kappa and Zeta (that’s right, I’m naming names motherfucker; Hi Sarah!!!!), the severity of these aforementioned tribulations vary on a case by case basis.

You see, the Dems first thought it was all about uninspiring candidates. In case you are a youngin’ like me, you might not exactly be familiar with Chris Bell and Bill White. They were two pasty old white dudes who were the previous two gubernatorial nominees. Both were moderates, both were boring and both were from Houston (a city notorious for boringness and moderation {full disclosure: HPHS Class of ’12; dude, Go Scots!}). Now we have Wendy fucking Davis, who evidently is the greatest thing since sliced bread and shaved pubes.

The other symptom they pointed to was a lack of participation among the Latino population. Now, yours truly once had a special place in his heart for a Mexico City girl, but that is neither here nor there. Speaking of things neither here nor there, let’s talk about Wendy’s support among the Latino population in this State. When she ran against a fucking no one named Ray Madrigal in the primary, she lost half the counties in the goddamn valley. I seriously do not get how damned stupid some of these poor sons of bitches can actually be. You don’t see me voting for that cocksucker Ralph Hall just because I share the world’s most bad-ass motherfucker last name with him, but I digress. Anyways, Wendy has a problem with Latinos, and she needs whatever the opposite of problem is with them if she has any chance of winning this election.

To sum this all up, it ain’t lack of enthusiasm and it ain’t some sort of navigational gap among a demographic always loyal to Democrat values. Now those two problems are fixable, it’s like getting the French disease (I call it “the Fort Worth disease,” but whatever) or the clap. But what the Texas Dems have is much, much worse. We got herpes, and there ain’t no cure.

Not yet at least. Yeah, we are plagued by a disease that fucks everything up and cannot be gotten rid of. If that sounds depressing, it is because it fucking is. Christ himself come down off the cross could not get elected dogcatcher Statewide if there was a little goddamn “D” next to his name.

As for me, I should probably introduce myself, as I hope to contribute a little more around these parts. My name is Joshua Hall, and I am a college student in Austin, except my wallet probably still thinks I live in Highland Park. When I am not doing terrible things with terrible people through my fraternity, I like to read about even worse people doing even worse things in the wonderful clusterfuck known as Texas politics.

Thus, I was drawn to McBlogger, not only because they share my inclination for profanity and debauchery, but because they have the balls to call it how they see it. But seriously, because analysis in this pissant State is typically weaker than the way the Dallas County District Attorney’s office treats little shits like me vis-à-vis controlled substances. I originally sought out to ruthlessly buy and monetize this sight, but ultimately decided against it. Hostile takeovers are so passé, and any cash I made would probably just go up my nose.

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Suicide Watch : Agreeing with Ross Ramsey

I can’t believe I find myself agreeing with Ross Ramsey…

Analysis: A Kink in the Democrats' Chain | The Texas Tribune.

Now, I’m going to go drown myself in a bucket. I hate Kinky Friedman but Jim Hogan is clueless and Sid Miller is nothing more than walking, talking FAIL.

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Bob Deuell May Be A Tool, But Bob Hall Is Batshit Crazy

Unless you day drink and slept through the most awful, terrible, no-good primary that would make an otherwise healthy dog barf up shit vomit until it convulsed to death on a cold kitchen floor, you’ve figured out by now that some completely crazy shit happened last night.

We are talking “UT Frat boy waking up with a tattoo of a kitten and the words ‘I love Mom’ on a mattress on the floor of a beer-bottle and needle strewn 1920s Tudor on the East Side next to a hairy, middle-aged guy named Alfonse” crazy shit.

There were some downright tragedies, like Lon Burnam’s nail-biter loss. There were also some moments that make you realize Kinky Friedman was ahead of his time, and that a hell of a lot of Democratic Primary voters must already be spending their days stoned out of their fucking minds to put this ass-hat, hair-brained, dumber than a box of double-headed roofing nails absolute waste of the ink on a ballot, turd-in-the-sandbox shit-sandwich-eating ultra-supreme douchenozzel in the runoff for Ag Commissioner:

“Most people don’t know who anyone is. When they go in there, they look at three names. They either don’t vote at all — now, this is the primary — or they say ‘eenie, meenie, miney, mo,’ or they look at a name. They see Kinky Friedman and think, ‘That looks familiar…Naw. Asa? Naw. Jim Hogan? I’ve heard of Hogan! Yeah, I think I’ll vote for him! He sounds like a nice guy!’”

“It is exciting to start off and lead, but I’ve got no uncontrollable joy, you know what I mean?” Hogan said. “I know people are looking at that and saying, ‘Who in the world is Jim Hogan?’”

Hogan said he did not spend money during the campaign because “it’d be silly to raise money. I went on the phone and the internet.” He added that there was no need for a campaign website, which he doesn’t have, because “somebody’s going to Google you anyway.” (From the Texas Tribune)

So, while this unwanted hair on the cocktip of the Democraric Party tries to wrestle with his lack of “uncomfortable joy,” (WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘UNCOMFORTABLE JOY? ANYBODY?), gets on his Commodore 64 and visits GoDaddy to buy a website–and a fucking clue–with the money he’s not going to raise for the campaign he won’t bother to run, presumably because he is too busy trying to get everyone he knows to help him pull his out out of his leaky, shit-stank asshole, we have more fun to discuss.

While Jim “How The Fuck Did I Make It To The Runoff” Hogan has his head up his ass, the people who have their head up women’s va jay jays to make sure nobody is having an abortion–or, GOD FORBID, is hiding some Benghazi or Obamacare Death Panel evidence in their cooch–are trying to make the Texas Senate an even more disgustingly shit-strewn pigsty of an excuse for a bi-cameral legislative upper chamber than David Dewhurst, Joan Huffman, and Dan Patrick have already made it (although mad props to the Democrats for consistently trying to un-fuck this two-month-old-with-runny-shits’ diaper of a hot stank mess, and often succeeding).

How, you ask? Well, aside from trying to make Dan Patrick the next lieutenant governor (we are so packing our shit and moving the hell to Costa Rica if that shit goes down), they want to elect a complete disaster of an incompetent named Bob Hall to the Texas Senate.

Don’t get us wrong. We think Bob Deuell, the current SD 2 State Senator, is a tool. He’s too far to the right, but not a wacko, which is a positive. He’s a nice guy, tended to Mario Gallegos during his time of need a few years back, and, while we aren’t going to invite him over for tea and biscuits, we definitely rate him somewhere on the Republican Uselessness Scale well above, “Human Garbage” and likely between, “Aging Hippie who became a conservative when he made some scratch” and “Dude Who May Be, But Not Quite, But We Aren’t Too Sure, seems like a reasonably intelligent, decent, albeit misguided human being.”

Where to begin with Mr. Hall? First off, he went to a hell of a lot of effort to make his campaign signs look like the 1980s relics resurrected to coroplast that Congressman Ralph Hall has trotted out every election cycle since they were burning witches in Salem. (For the record, Ralph voted AGAINST burning the witches, because he was a Democrat then.)

Second, he is the leader of a little fringe radical Tea Party group known as the Canton Area Tea Party. (Their website is the sexiest, most beautiful thing on the planet Internet, FWIW. It is one animated gif away from making me hot, in fact.) When it’s members aren’t drowning suspected witches in Lake Tawakoni, they aspire to statements such as:

HB 2836 – Takes away authority over the curriculum standards (TEKS) from our elected Texas State Board of Education members. If passed this bill allow the Marxists to control what our children are taught.

Aside from being totally unaware that Commissioner of Education Michael L. Williams was a Marxist (can portly, African American Gentlemen who have a predisposition to now ties even BE Marxists?), THIS SHIT IS JUST STUPID. Since Bob Hall is the leader of this merry band of tinfoil-hat-wearing-nutters, we can only assume he agrees with baseless, shitsmear statements like this, and is presumably desirous of being elected to the Texas Senate to fight well-known avowed Marxists like Robert Nichols and Kevin Eltife–two senators known, KNOWN, I TELL YOU, to be pink, pink right down to their underwear just like Helen G. Douglas.

But wait, that’s not all. Aside from the obligatory Benghazi crap, Hall’s own website claims the candidate demands that teachers and public employees should be able to proselytize anywhere (including in the classroom) and that state funding should be denied to any local government that restricts these religious freedoms.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want my local school to allow a teacher to distribute The Watchtower, and try to tell my kids that only 144,000 people are going to make it to heaven. For one thing, everybody knows that number is really closer to 212,400. But, based on what Hall proposes, this is evidently exactly what HE wants, and he wants to make sure local governments are powerless to stop it. (Presumably, under his proposal, any witches left that haven’t been burned by Ralph Hall or drowned by the Canton Area Tea Party who also happen to be teachers, could also do a little Wiccan proselytize on their religious beliefs as well–before being burned/drowned.)

This guy is just nuts. For one thing, he actually went to a Texas Nationalists Rally, stood up, grabbed the mic, and called those advocating for Texas independence, “traitors.” While NOT holding the same belief as Texas Nationalists is perhaps his only sane public thought, it proves he’s crazy. Nobody in their right mind would pull a stunt like that, because everybody knows those fuckers are armed to the teeth.

Seriously, just google this ass clown. Please. You won’t be disappointed.

And, for all of you Tea Party Republicans in Kaufman and Van Zandt Counties that helped give this disgusting anal wart his margins for the runoff, why not just stay in bed and keep screwing your cousins/siblings on runoff day? Your votes are so not needed. Thanks!

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Good times with Greg Abbott and his women

Desperate to distract people from his pitiful campaign and reeling from the realization that his good buddy is a child rapist, Greg Abbott campaigned in Brownsville as part of his pinata politics tour of Texas (thank you, Lubbock CM Hernandez!). At an event, Abbott felt moved to take a picture and tweet it out…

Greg Abbott women

Granted, it’s unconventional to have a man hold a ‘Women For…’ sign but it’s necessary when candidates want to show the world that they have support from a group that really doesn’t support them. Here are some other ideas for the Abbott campaign…

1) A fat old white guy with an ‘African American Students For Abbott’ sign
2) A fat old white guy with an ‘OutYouth for Abbott’ sign
3) A fat old white guy with a ‘Geeky Guys Who Never Grew Up And Actually Listen To Music From Star Trek In The Car’sign (this one kinda works)
4) A fat old white guy with an ‘Indian American Women For Abbott’ sign
5) A fat old white guy with a ‘Filipino Garment Workers For Abbott’ sign

Seriously, you can claim support from ANY demographic group using these ideas as a basis. All you need is an old fat white guy, a sign and a marker.

You’re welcome, General.

Posted in Stupid Republican Tricks | Comments Off

Oh, come on… this is easy…

Greg Abbott, after spending much of this past month campaigning with a child rapist, was in Lubbock for a campaign event designed to show off how much support he has in the Latino community. Some members of the Latino community in Lubbock were less than pleased with his half hearted effort, especially Lubbock City Councilmember Victor Hernandez

When the subject of Cecilia Abbott came up at a press conference the Democrats held at the same restaurant on Wednesday, Hernandez said he did not “want to say a whole lot about his wife, because this really isn’t about his wife. It’s about her husband,” according to the Fox story.

He also called on the attorney general to “go beyond the props of a background of a Mexican restaurant, and actually come to our community.”

Hernandez additionally referred to Abbott’s campaign swing as ‘pinata politics’ which is a pretty sweet way of saying Abbott’s interest in the Latino community is merely for show, which makes complete sense. Note that in this there’s no mention of the fact that Abbott’s wife is Latina. That part doesn’t come up until here…

After the appearance, Abbott said from his Twitter account, “Ha! Democrats frustrated about my #Latina wife & growing connection (between) Hispanics & Republicans.” He linked to the Fox story that quoted Hernandez.

In a subsequent tweet on Friday, Abbott expressed outrage that Hernandez had allegedly referred to his wife as a “prop.”

“It’s deeply offensive that a Democrat elected official called my Latina wife of 32 years a ‘prop,’” Abbott wrote. He linked to a blog post written by former Republican Party spokesman Bryan Preston. In the post, Preston wrote that a “source tells me that Hernandez callously dismissed her as a ‘prop.’”

You see, Abbott DOES need Latino votes to win and contrary to his Pollyanna-ish tweet, he’s actually driving them away from his campaign, not toward it. He’s also had a pretty brutal last two weeks as people caught on to the fact that he likes to pal around with a child molester. Needless to say, he needed something to distract attention and, miraculously, a former Republican Party spokesman with a blog magically appears with a questionable quote designed to create a manufactured crisis.

Yeah, it’s made up in an effort to deflect from the fact that the only Latina who likes Greg Abbott is his wife. I wonder how she must feel about her husband being besties with a guy who likes to rape little girls…

bnugent and abbott

And, in honor of Ted Nugent’s faaaaavorite pass time, here’s the immortal Maurice Chevalier…

Posted in Stupid Republican Tricks, Texas | Comments Off

Dear Brigid Shea

I’m going to be honest here for a second… I like you despite the fact that, honestly, you run shitty races and spend way too much money on them. I didn’t vote for you and I’m encouraging everyone I know in Precinct Two (the best!) to vote for Garry Brown, mostly because you don’t seem to get what this job is. It’s not that your ideas aren’t great, it’s that the Commissioners Court is the place where, frankly, you can do fuckall about them. I think you could better serve on the city council and don’t really get why you want to be a county commissioner but hey, I can understand that it looked like a good gig.

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a note about your mail blasts… they’re too frequent. Is anyone actually opening them any more? And brunch with Release The McCracken sounds less like a fun thing and more like a punishment. Maybe spend a few hours today rethinking incentives?

Gotta run… best of luck in everything but this race!

-McB

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