Let me set the stage for you. It’s mid-afternoon on a Thursday, I’m sitting in the Frat house with some brothers when big news hits. Now, to be fair, the biggest news that happened in our little circle this week was the Federales ruling that Student Ath-o-leets could unionize and be employees. of the school. But a close second for me was seeing the Appeals Court uphold the legality of that shitty set of abortion restrictions designed to close down all the clinics and stuff.
You remember those from last summer, right? Wendy fucking Davis and her band of sisters filibustered, screamed, yelled, threw tampons and did sketchy stuff involving literal jars of shit. Nope? Well, neither did any of my fraternity brothers. Unsurprisingly, like other institutions in West Campus, all these dudes are sorta right-wing. At the risk of sounding like the world’s biggest goddamn hypocrite, I would attribute this do the complex political science school of thought called “Daddy’s Money.”
But I think some of these guys grew up with some religious influence shit in their lives or something, because when I shared the news with the room, it set off a firestorm of a debate about abortion in general. Now, in an effort of full disclosure, I was raised in some super secular Episcopal church and my daddy is an ambulance chaser, so you can probably guess where I stand on a bunch of these issues. And, of course, it is also in my self-interest to see women have some semblance of goddamn control over their fucking cunts (pun intended). Ostensibly, it should be in the other guys’ self-interest too.
Now, a few months ago, back when everyone was in the midst literal pandemonium over Wendy fucking Davis and the filibuster, one of the kiddos at the Burnt Orange (echo chamber) Repertoire wrote this painful piece called “Bro-Choice” (not frat dude, not frat). In it, there were some gems like “viewing reproductive rights as a women’s issue alone is easier and in some ways encouraged by outdated parts of masculine culture, and it’s wrong,” and “For those of us guys who like girls — you know, like them like them — and want to have relationships with them that may last anywhere from a few minutes to many years.”
First off, and I risk the obvious when I say this, but I would hope this kiddo isn’t only lasting a few minutes in the sack. I know kids from Houston who can fuck longer than that. But the more important issue revolves around the fact that the typical “none of my goddamn business” approach is outdated and men should have some sort of weird show of faux empathy in order to be on the right side of this issue.
Here’s a novel suggestion, how about not being an asshole? I don’t have a pussy, so it’s none of my goddamn business what a woman does with hers. Of course, the whole “your sex life will be at stake” speaks to few people as loud as it does to me, as I love –and I mean loooooooooooooove– the sexual liberation and all the easy ass and fucking that goes along with it, but even I am not so much of an unmitigated dickwad to not think of anything else besides my own prurient interests.
I tried selling all this to my fraternity brothers, but few of them possess even the pittance of empathy required for a position like that. Even though many of them fuck likes rabbits or yours truly, they are not budging because nothing is in it for them. The BOR kiddo’s perspective only excuses that harmfully selfish culture by trying to put something in it for the fellas.
NO! Grow the fuck up and realize the entire goddamn world does not revolve around your fucking pecker. Wear a freaking condom you little shits, and take fucking responsibility for the consequences that may follow from carelessly boinking ladies.
Now, I’ve accept that I am a hedonist and chauvinist, and I’ve even (incorrectly, I might say) labeled a misogynist, but I legitimately have female friends whose issues I can understand without making it about myself. I will never get pregnant, nor will my frat bros like “Fucked-up Freddy or “Racist Remy.” But unlike those pieces of shit, I can understand and empathize with an issue even if it bares little direct benefit to me.
So there you have it. I’m not necessarily pro-choice as much as it is just none of my fucking business. But I am atheist and otherwise left of the center, but mainly I’m just not an asswipe. And to the guys who are trying to justify their views by making it about themselves: FUCK YOU.
Anyways, I’m done pre-gaming. See you next week, fuckers!
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