Unless you day drink and slept through the most awful, terrible, no-good primary that would make an otherwise healthy dog barf up shit vomit until it convulsed to death on a cold kitchen floor, you’ve figured out by now that some completely crazy shit happened last night.
We are talking “UT Frat boy waking up with a tattoo of a kitten and the words ‘I love Mom’ on a mattress on the floor of a beer-bottle and needle strewn 1920s Tudor on the East Side next to a hairy, middle-aged guy named Alfonse” crazy shit.
There were some downright tragedies, like Lon Burnam’s nail-biter loss. There were also some moments that make you realize Kinky Friedman was ahead of his time, and that a hell of a lot of Democratic Primary voters must already be spending their days stoned out of their fucking minds to put this ass-hat, hair-brained, dumber than a box of double-headed roofing nails absolute waste of the ink on a ballot, turd-in-the-sandbox shit-sandwich-eating ultra-supreme douchenozzel in the runoff for Ag Commissioner:
“Most people don’t know who anyone is. When they go in there, they look at three names. They either don’t vote at all — now, this is the primary — or they say ‘eenie, meenie, miney, mo,’ or they look at a name. They see Kinky Friedman and think, ‘That looks familiar…Naw. Asa? Naw. Jim Hogan? I’ve heard of Hogan! Yeah, I think I’ll vote for him! He sounds like a nice guy!’”
“It is exciting to start off and lead, but I’ve got no uncontrollable joy, you know what I mean?” Hogan said. “I know people are looking at that and saying, ‘Who in the world is Jim Hogan?’”
Hogan said he did not spend money during the campaign because “it’d be silly to raise money. I went on the phone and the internet.” He added that there was no need for a campaign website, which he doesn’t have, because “somebody’s going to Google you anyway.” (From the Texas Tribune)
So, while this unwanted hair on the cocktip of the Democraric Party tries to wrestle with his lack of “uncomfortable joy,” (WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘UNCOMFORTABLE JOY? ANYBODY?), gets on his Commodore 64 and visits GoDaddy to buy a website–and a fucking clue–with the money he’s not going to raise for the campaign he won’t bother to run, presumably because he is too busy trying to get everyone he knows to help him pull his out out of his leaky, shit-stank asshole, we have more fun to discuss.
While Jim “How The Fuck Did I Make It To The Runoff” Hogan has his head up his ass, the people who have their head up women’s va jay jays to make sure nobody is having an abortion–or, GOD FORBID, is hiding some Benghazi or Obamacare Death Panel evidence in their cooch–are trying to make the Texas Senate an even more disgustingly shit-strewn pigsty of an excuse for a bi-cameral legislative upper chamber than David Dewhurst, Joan Huffman, and Dan Patrick have already made it (although mad props to the Democrats for consistently trying to un-fuck this two-month-old-with-runny-shits’ diaper of a hot stank mess, and often succeeding).
How, you ask? Well, aside from trying to make Dan Patrick the next lieutenant governor (we are so packing our shit and moving the hell to Costa Rica if that shit goes down), they want to elect a complete disaster of an incompetent named Bob Hall to the Texas Senate.
Don’t get us wrong. We think Bob Deuell, the current SD 2 State Senator, is a tool. He’s too far to the right, but not a wacko, which is a positive. He’s a nice guy, tended to Mario Gallegos during his time of need a few years back, and, while we aren’t going to invite him over for tea and biscuits, we definitely rate him somewhere on the Republican Uselessness Scale well above, “Human Garbage” and likely between, “Aging Hippie who became a conservative when he made some scratch” and “Dude Who May Be, But Not Quite, But We Aren’t Too Sure, seems like a reasonably intelligent, decent, albeit misguided human being.”
Where to begin with Mr. Hall? First off, he went to a hell of a lot of effort to make his campaign signs look like the 1980s relics resurrected to coroplast that Congressman Ralph Hall has trotted out every election cycle since they were burning witches in Salem. (For the record, Ralph voted AGAINST burning the witches, because he was a Democrat then.)
Second, he is the leader of a little fringe radical Tea Party group known as the Canton Area Tea Party. (Their website is the sexiest, most beautiful thing on the planet Internet, FWIW. It is one animated gif away from making me hot, in fact.) When it’s members aren’t drowning suspected witches in Lake Tawakoni, they aspire to statements such as:
HB 2836 – Takes away authority over the curriculum standards (TEKS) from our elected Texas State Board of Education members. If passed this bill allow the Marxists to control what our children are taught.
Aside from being totally unaware that Commissioner of Education Michael L. Williams was a Marxist (can portly, African American Gentlemen who have a predisposition to now ties even BE Marxists?), THIS SHIT IS JUST STUPID. Since Bob Hall is the leader of this merry band of tinfoil-hat-wearing-nutters, we can only assume he agrees with baseless, shitsmear statements like this, and is presumably desirous of being elected to the Texas Senate to fight well-known avowed Marxists like Robert Nichols and Kevin Eltife–two senators known, KNOWN, I TELL YOU, to be pink, pink right down to their underwear just like Helen G. Douglas.
But wait, that’s not all. Aside from the obligatory Benghazi crap, Hall’s own website claims the candidate demands that teachers and public employees should be able to proselytize anywhere (including in the classroom) and that state funding should be denied to any local government that restricts these religious freedoms.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want my local school to allow a teacher to distribute The Watchtower, and try to tell my kids that only 144,000 people are going to make it to heaven. For one thing, everybody knows that number is really closer to 212,400. But, based on what Hall proposes, this is evidently exactly what HE wants, and he wants to make sure local governments are powerless to stop it. (Presumably, under his proposal, any witches left that haven’t been burned by Ralph Hall or drowned by the Canton Area Tea Party who also happen to be teachers, could also do a little Wiccan proselytize on their religious beliefs as well–before being burned/drowned.)
This guy is just nuts. For one thing, he actually went to a Texas Nationalists Rally, stood up, grabbed the mic, and called those advocating for Texas independence, “traitors.” While NOT holding the same belief as Texas Nationalists is perhaps his only sane public thought, it proves he’s crazy. Nobody in their right mind would pull a stunt like that, because everybody knows those fuckers are armed to the teeth.
Seriously, just google this ass clown. Please. You won’t be disappointed.
And, for all of you Tea Party Republicans in Kaufman and Van Zandt Counties that helped give this disgusting anal wart his margins for the runoff, why not just stay in bed and keep screwing your cousins/siblings on runoff day? Your votes are so not needed. Thanks!