For YEARS (no shit, literally years… almost a decade) I have been asking my friends who have recently announced that they’re pregnant to name the child Pickles. The conversation usually goes something like this…
Friend: I’ve got some news…I’m PREGNANT!
McB: Congratulations! That’s sooo awesome/great/amazing/cool! Would you do me a solid?
Friend: You’re not going to ask me to save the placenta for you, or something weird like that?
McB: Ugh. No. I was wondering if you’d mind naming the child Pickles?
Friend: McB, that’s a pet name.
McB: Well, YES, I guess it’s historically been a pet name but I think it would make a super child name. It’s just sitting out there waiting. Waiting for the right parents, brave enough to stand up to convention.
Friend: Yeah. No, that’s not going to happen.
McB: What if I agreed to give some money to the kid’s college fund?
Friend: Uhm…. like how much were you thinking?
McB: I don’t know, maybe a sawbuck?
Friend: Let me get this straight. You want me to give my child a pet name that will certainly lead to ridicule for the rest of his/her life in exchange for $10?
McB: Yeah. I’ll even throw in a pack of Costco diapers.
Friend: I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.
Needless to say, not a single ‘friend’ has been willing to do it. Not even the ones I got really nice wedding and baby shower presents for, even though they were far too tacky to appreciate the gift. Some have suggested that I somehow do this myself, as if I can obtain a uterus, have it installed and then be impregnated by someone who’s not totally grossed out that I have a recently attached uterus. When I point this out they typically roll their eyes and mention surrogates or adoption. Morons. Adopted kids usually have names already and as for the brill surrogate idea, I’m guessing none of them saw Baby Mama? Or that Sally Field movie where she and her husband were trying to get a surrogate and the surrogate ended up killing her and taking her place*.
Now that we have this really neat new feature Things we’re blaming on You People, I can, you know, blame You People for being so horribly cruel that no one will dare name their child Pickles. Y’all suck. You’re all a bunch of MONSTERS for being so horrible to innocent little children.
*That may not be a real movie.
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