A *&$!@# Proposal

Well You People are at it again. It seems like every time I check the news, some do-gooder wants to ban smoking everywhere, always; or lower the legal intoxication BAC threshold to “any”; or levy a surcharge on establishments profiting from the viewing of nekkid breastesses. But what’s really rich is how You People always make it into a fiscal issue instead of just admitting you want to legislate a return to Puritanism.
This week, the designated pinata of vice appears to be smokeless tobacco. The Lege is kicking around the idea of taxing into oblivion all the “Skoal Brothahs” (remember that Earl Campbell commercial back in the day?…No?…just me?…greenhorned whippersnappers, all of you). Proceeds would go toward a program designed to lure more doctors to live and practice in BFE (the original bill said “rural areas” but the committee substitute changed it to “BFE”).
You see the obvious connection there, right? The hinterlands would be utterly lousy with M.D.s but for all the terbackey-chewin’ that goes on out there. It is a well-known scientifical fact that people with medical degrees find snuff to be icky, so it’s only fair. And if that’s not readily apparent to you, you’re probably one of those people who goes to a titty bar and ends up sexually assaulting people. Which is why the Lege had to pass the Ta-Ta Tassle Tax a few years ago.
Now I don’t look favorably upon this approach to governing, but it seems i’m in the minority here. So in the spirit of if-you-can’t-lick-’em-join-em’, i offer a modest proposal: The Texas Swear Jar Act. What this state needs is a goddamn tax on profanity.
Think about it, if You People have your way, we will have a state full of stone sober, sexually repressed citizens going through tobacco withdrawal. You think they’re going to cuss less than they do now? F@#$ No! If we enact the Texas Swear Jar Act, we’ll have a budget surplus in no time. This M@#$erF@#$%ing blog post alone could fund social studies textbooks for an entire classroom. S*#@, i’m feeling generous so I’ll keep up this @#$@#$%@#$%!#$% commentary. There – that little tirade just bought a new !@#$!@# T.V. for one of the prison rec rooms in Huntsville. I’m sure those poor F@#$%ers in prison appreciate it and I feel a lot better having gotten something off my chest.
My fellow A@$holes, Harry Balczak asks you to write your legislators today to urge passage of the Texas Swear Jar Act forthwith. Our state’s roads, prisons, parks and schools need your help. Indeed, the G@#D@#$ schoolchildren of Texas are counting on us. We can’t let those little F@#$ers down, can we?

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