Did you know that a slang term for a vagina was a ‘chuckie’? I certainly didn’t, but thanks to Dina of the New Jersey Housewives, I do now! In fact, I have a special place in my heart for these little lacquered ruffians!
I admit I disliked Danielle from the beginning. I thought she looked like a slutty, shady, snobby gold digger who couldn’t face the fact that her best days were behind her. And, who knew, I was right! She needs a magazine rack for all her issues. Oh, and the wildly inappropriate way she is raising her daughters! Urgh!!! Because really, why should they get a childhood when their mother needed free therapy? I’m not a mom, but I’m fairly certain you’ve hit rock bottom when your 15 year old daughter is telling you that men are only interested in your ‘goodies’. Pretty girl though. She really dodged a bullet not getting her mom’s beak, right? Anyhoo, I found myself kinda feeling sorry for the pathetic sack of bones that is Danielle after her breakup with her younger boyfriend. He was a real prize whose apathy was as glaring as his bald spot. And then the book ‘Cop Without A Badge’ hit. That’s when Danielle became a sampler tray of all different kinds of crazy.
The main suspect in the diabolical plot to DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF CONSEQUENCE to Danielle was Dina. Yes, petty little Dina with a bubbie-sprouting daughter, an absent husband, and a remarkable resemblance to her own hairless cat. Which makes sense given her exceptional aptitude for catty remarks and backhanded compliments to friends and foes alike. Her partner in crime was her sister Caroline, who was also the actual villain. I really wanted to like Caroline despite her bossy, judgmental, and paranoid behavior that had her looking for a fight in every episode. In the group dynamic she was the big, ugly, mean girl that nobody wanted to fuck with. But her boobs are real. She would want that noted. I’m not clear why/how she came up with the book about Danielle being an alias cloaked, ex-stripping criminal. She was already nauseatingly gross, so it didn’t really hurt. If anything it just made her more interesting. And somewhat of a victim.
Sympathy was what kept poor, sweet Jacqueline tethered to Danielle, regardless of her familial loyalty to her wicked sisters-in-law. In spite of her gullible naiveness, Jacqueline was my fave! Yes, she raised a bratty, ungrateful daughter, but maybe her sons will fare better. She was incredibly sympathetic being so open about her miscarriages. It was very touching. However, what sealed the deal for me was when after toasting enemies with Danielle, saucer-eyed Jacqueline leaned forward and asked ‘Who are my enemies?’. That cracked me up! She certainly was the hero of the season finale, as was her husband. Props for backing up his wife! Well done!
However, I know everyone’s favorite moment of the finale was Teresa’s meltdown. What a little scene stealer! Too bad her little performing tots had been escorted out. Mommy could have shown them how it’s done! It is good they were around earlier to witness their mom say that their excessively horny dad is ALWAYS at it with the sex, even when mom is recovering from a boob job. It’s fortunate they have that huge house. I have a feeling there are going to be many revelations that they won’t want to be around to hear. Pick out your hiding places now girls! Yes, Teresa proved that not only can she spend insane quantities of money and create matching ensembles for her entire family, she is also pretty scrappy. Way to blow up! Take that you table! In fact, Teresa has given me a new life goal. Before I die, I hope I have the opportunity, and ability, to shout such a guttural ‘WHORE’ at someone in public. Frankly, it was pretty damn impressive.
I can’t believe the season is already over. I’m really bummed. At least, since the body count was zero, we can be sure they will all be back for season two.
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