BREAKING : Be prepared to evacuate Austin on Thursday

Word on the street is that there will be a press conference at the Capitol on Thursday featuring Peggy Venable of the stupidly named Americans For Prosperity, a group that is little more than a lobbying/astroturfing entity for Charles Koch (From Whom All Blessings Flow!). For those of you who don’t know her, Peggy long ago gave up annoying things like ‘integrity’, ‘independent thought’ and ‘class’ in exchange for a ‘paycheck’ so she’ll probably drop the most retarded quote.

Other expected participants include:

Michael Quinn Sullivan, a devotee of the Austrian School of Economics. Keynes remarked during the Depression that such people had ‘super asinine propensities’, mostly for thinking it was good that assets went down in value while the debt used to buy them remained constant (must be a HUGE fan of negative equity in housing and autos). Those people have made quite the resurgence lately which is odd considering that their entire ideology (the free market is perfect) collapsed in the face of a real world panic. Don’t attempt to explain how debt markets work to Sullivan as it may cause his head to explode. We’ve heard it’s pretty close to doing that anyway because the inflation those who think like him expected hasn’t appeared. And neither have higher interest rates they were just sure would come from higher government spending. Explaining the demand gap and the the imbalance in the debt markets wouldn’t do any good. Michael would just refuse to hear it.

Talmadge Heflin, a former State Representative who was defeated by Rep. Hubert Vo (twice) and who tried to steal a child belonging to his nanny. Heflin redefines bizarre and testified (if memory serves) that treating a child at an emergency room would be cheaper than CHIP. This is the same kind of false economy that leads extraordinarily stupid people to buy a new car when their current car needs new wiper blades. Like everyone who’ll be at this conference, he simply could not survive in the private sector (oh, come on… would YOU hire him?)

Of course, the cast of derelicts would be incomplete without Bill Hammond. Bill will be representing the people who’ve successfully eaten at least an 8 oz portion of every item on the buffet at Ryan’s Steakhouse on Parmer and then repeated the feat at Thomas Super Buffet, all within one hour. Or maybe he’ll be representing TAB which doesn’t stand for that diet soda (and seriously, who would believe Bill Hammond repping for TAB… unless it was a before thing, like those ads Kirstie Alley did before she got skinny and then fat again) but instead the Texas Association of Business, a lobbying group that exists (from what we can tell) mostly to keep Bill Hammond well fed. VERY well fed. As an unintended consequence, it’s also helped me to develop many, many ways to reference Bill Hammond’s rather distressing obesity.

Seriously, it never gets old. I keep thinking at some point I’ll find myself not amused by the Bill Hammond Is Fat jokes, but I just can’t stop because they keep cracking me up. But back to The Press Conference Of The Damned…

Many are speculating about the subject of the Press Conference but so far I’ve not heard anything that really makes my toes curl. I personally think it will be to announce the creation of yet another front organization for Charles Koch (From Whom All Blessings Flow!) that will be called Texans For An Economy That Doesn’t Suck and they’ll spend the majority of the conference eating delicious pastries from Sweetish Hill and setting up a pool to put some money on When Bill Hammond Will Eat Himself Into A Coronary.

The first act of this new organization will be to endorse Rick Perry for Governor, mostly because without him in office most of these people lose what little clout they have (and access to Charles Koch’s (From Whom All Blessings Flow!) checkbook).

God knows, Bill White certainly isn’t going to put up with their ridiculous bullshit and mindless posturing. After all, he knows their dirty little secret… that they really only represent one man, Charles Koch (From Whom All Blessings Flow!).

As for why we all may need to flee, there is a possibility that the participants will begin circling Bill Hammond in decaying orbits that will eventually force them all to combine into a black hole which would have the potential to cause massive damage to Downtown Austin (but it will create a smell not unlike frying bacon). Further there may be an attack by the Krispy Kreme Liberation Front, an organization dedicated to freeing delicious Krispy Kreme doughnuts from their number one consumer, Bill Hammond.

Never, ever gets old!

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