Substitute Right-Winger

So I guess you all have heard the news about the Governor asking for… wait for it…FEDERAL ASSISTANCE in responding to wildfires across the state.

Strangely, I haven’t heard from any of my usually reliable friends on the other side of the aisle about how awful it is that we’ve gone and gotten the Feds involved. I guess everyone’s too busy hosing down flaming pastures to weigh in with the Tea Party Line.

Well, just this once, to be a sport, I’m going to help out and fill in as the right wing’s spokesman until somebody with the proper credentials can step in and take over. Here’s Bizarro World Harry Balczak with some Tea Party Talkin’ Points:

1. How is fire in the Texas countryside a federal problem? Fighting fires is a prerogative reserved to the states under the 10th Amendment. Look it up.

2. We don’t need a bunch of liberal trial-lawyer-supported Warshington bureaucrats telling us how to put out our fires.

3. Don’t you know any help we get from the federal government will come with strings attached? If there’s one thing worse than wildfires ravaging the state…or a vast shortfall in education funding…or insufficient unemployment relief funds…it’s definitely a solution with strings attached.

4. How can you trust someone to help you put out wildfires when you can’t even trust them to produce a real birth certificate?

5. This puts us one step closer to socialized disaster management. Keep the government’s hands off my fire department.

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