Thanks, Governor Perry! Another Thing We’re Last In

Lo, and Behold. Thank you Governor Perry for this: Only nine of the 150 Best Bars in America are in Texas.

That’s right, we’re last in everything. Education? Last–somewhere near ’round last. Spending on healthcare? Last, close to last, somewhere in there. Quality of old age care? Last, or somewhere thereabout. And now, we can’t even get a baker’s dozen in the 150 Best Bar’s in America list?

Really, Governor Perry? Really? New York has 17 or more. Oregon and Washington have bars on this list! How can any hippie Berckenstock bar beat out the trashiest, most sketchy bar in all Texas? This is Texas, for Chrissakes! Kansas and Oklahoma have bars on here! Oklahoma, sir–you know–the state up there wipin’ it’s butt on Amarillio and Canadian? Oklahoma–where it is so bad they have to run TV commercials to get you to visit–has bars on this list. Bars–plural.  

The Lakewood Landing in Dallas isn’t even on this list–one of the best dive bars of all time!

Governor, even though you went to A&M you can figure this out.

Yes, it is your fault. We are confident that, in the days that follow, your office will disclose emails showing that you encouraged lobbyists from the Texas Package Store Association to lobby the editors of this publication to include pansy-poet George McGovern Socalist states like Oregon and godforsaken nowhere places like Oklahoma because you need the votes to run for President.

Well, maybe not that. After all, you went to A&M so just finding your Princess Pink Hello Kitty Phone and placing a call to ask someone to come in and help you use email would be a challenge, so perhaps that is too ambitious. But maybe Michael Quinn Sullivan thought he saw you spelling the word “bar” in your Alpha-Bits one morning and the guy went rogue. We’ll never know.

Heck, maybe the writers of this list got east of Dallas or North of Austin and ran into a bunch of crazed Tea Partiers, fled to Oklahoma on the suggestion of some guy known as Harold Cook–because he said he already had all the hotel rooms in New Mexico booked in case something went awry in the special session–and got drunk in the first two bars they came to, ran up against a deadline and boom! Oklahoma is on the list. And Texas only got nine.

I really don’t think this is a failure Republican Primary–and certainly not General Election–voters will look upon kindly. You can blame that $28 billion shortfall on Comptroller Combs loosing everyone’s Social Security Numbers and say that she was attacked by a flock of bees and PolitiFact won’t know the difference and the Tea Baggers won’t care and you might get by with that–but not this.

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