Why Sid Miller Deserves Nothing More Than Our Ridicule

[Yes, folks, I’m back. I have taken a lengthy hiatus to care for my nephew, Grimace, who has been…well, shall we say turn in’ the bottle up ever since McDonalds fired him and Hamburgler. I’ve had my hands full of his fat, purple ass.]

So, I was sitting around at the Home For Rejected Fast Food Mascots this afternoon, enjoying my retirement, and watching The King snort some coke off of Wendy’s boobs (for like the 90th time–the guy just has no decency), and checking Quorum Report when I discovered something that forced me out of retirement.

QR directed me to a press release from Agriculture Commissioner Candidate Sid Miller about a statement Miller released concerning Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson.

First, I know you are asking: Sid Who? Well, think back and you will remember. He’s a member of the Texas House who has had, if memory serves, some IRS troubles. He also wrote the bill that became every Redneck’s wet dream when he authored a bill making it legal to hunt feral hogs from helicopters (the bill is now law). In 2011, he authored the “Sonogram Bill” along with everyone’s favorite tinfoil hat nutter Dan Patrick. Now, he’s taking his extensive knowledge of hunting and what he thinks should be happening in a woman’s vagina, and running to succeed Todd “I Didn’t Beat My Stepson” Staples as ag commissioner.

Well, Sonogram Sid just could not let the Duck Dynasty controversy pass without issuing a statement. And, that statement was more of a hot mess than Miley Cyrus at the VMAs:

Austin, Texas—Today, Sid Miller, Republican candidate for Texas Agriculture Commissioner, issued the following statement about the actions taken by the A&E Television Network against Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson:

I am running for Texas Agriculture Commissioner to help protect our Texas heritage and the traditional values that have made Texas strong and I will not stand by silently when those values are under attack. That is why I want to say that I personally stand with Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson.

Not since the 1950ʼs has there been a show on American television featuring a family that highlights true, traditional American values like Duck Dynasty and the Robertson family. The reason Duck Dynasty is the overwhelmingly popular show that it is, is simply that Americans are hungry and longing for a wholesome example of traditional family values, decency and faith. The Robertson family exemplifies just that.

While the Robertson’s are humorous and entertaining, they have given American television audiences something that many had never seen on television: A loving family unit with members that care for one another, a home life where children obey their elders and are taught to be good, upstanding young men and women, and a family that ends each episode of their show with their heads bowed in prayer, thanking God above for the blessings that they have received.

Phil Robertson has every right to express his personal opinions about his Christian faith and against the homosexual lifestyle. I defend his right to do so and I stand with him 100%.

For a television network to cater to and then run scared of the radical gay community is a shame and a disgrace. It demonstrates just what the liberal-left agenda is going to do to our country – rot it from the inside out by killing off American values.

I strongly encourage the network to restore Phil Robertson to the program and ask that the Chief Executive of the A&E Network publicly apologize for the suspension. I would encourage all Texans to show solidarity with the Robertson family. The network’s action against Phil Robertson is a blatant injustice. Please keep the Robertson family in your prayers. Let’s take this opportunity to support a God-fearing family of Americans and sportsmen against these attacks from the liberal media.

Before we even get to the meat of this, note that he mentions nothing about Robertson’s racist statements, and ignores many family-friendly TV shows since the 1950s, including the high moral values of the Cosby Show–presumably because Felisha Rashad sounds like a Muslim and because they were BLACK. He also ignores Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (probably because one of its actors turned out to be gay) and Little House on the Prairie. (Evidently I missed all the episodes of lesbian scissoring in that show). So, either Stephenville doesn’t have cable television or Sid Miller is just a dumbass about TV shows.

Now that we have our obligatory E! True Television History moment out of the way, let’s concentrate on the rest of the release.

Sid says A&E is “running scared of the radical gay community.” A.) where is the ‘radical gay community’ these days, and why is Sid Mlsr so scared of Annise Parker and Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter? B.) And, in Sid’s defense, he wouldn’t know this since Stephenville’s cable system consists of only three channels that constantly replay bad sci-fi films, Benny Hill reruns, and Julia Child cooking shows (even though she was a Pinko)–THE GAYS HAVE THEIR OWN NETWORKS NOW! And I’m not just talking about E!, OWN, and ABC–but real LGBT-oriented networks. It’s hard to call a segment of our society radical when they have their own TV networks. The Black Panthers never had that.

Second, this release is just too stupid for words. Obviously, Dipshit Sid was trying to capitalize off the fact that Duck Dynasty is so popular THEY HAVE THEIR OWN CHIA PETS and get some earned media. Instead, he sounded like a past-his-prime HL Hunt calling for the impeachment of Earl Warren.

We did, however , contact A&E Networks for comment. Their spokesperson first asked, “Who the hell is Sid Miller,” and then had to be hospitalized for a distended stomach after laughing so hard after we read him this release.

So, Sid…the next time you want to wage a culture war to try to gin up some earned media for your pathetic excuse of a campaign with 124 likes on Facebook, first go to a town with real cable, ask someone competent how to operate the remote, turn on Skinemax, and blow your wad for a useful cause.

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