Dear Republicans: Your Chickens Are Coming Home To Roost (Primary Runoff 2014 Edition)

GAWD Almighty and Lord Jeeezus! It has been a hot minute since old, Uncle O’Grimacy has had a minute to do anything for himself–let along post on the blog.

Here at the Home for Retired Fast Food Mascots, it has been a busy spring. The King has been in and out of rehab–twice (nose candy). Birdie has had two pregnancy scares, and now, yours truly has Hamburgler’s Power of Attorney (not, mind you, because he has gone crazy and grabbed one too many lady’s ta tas at Walmart, but because it is a condition of his probation on felony charges related to ordering 61 Pizzas from Papa Johns, not paying for them, and handing the delivery man a bag of dog turds with “RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE” written on it). In short, FML.

So, before Birdie’s Valium wears off and before The King’s DTs send him going door-to-door here at the home begging for enough change to try to buy an 8-ball, in the peace and quite of the early evening, I have a little something to say about Republicans, which I believe is most appropriate in this primary season:


Now, what do I mean by this? What am I talking about? Why now?

Two words: Ken Paxton.

Yes, folks, that slimy sleazeball running for Attorney General is the reason I am all riled up today. It isn’t specifically about his conduct (criminal offenses resulting in police departments pulling endorsements in his AG bid right and left), but rather about how Paxton is a symptom of a larger problem for the Republican Party of Texas.

Does anyone here remember 2002? Yes, I’ve been drunk since then–quite a lot, actually–but I have vivid memories of that election cycle. It brought names like Dan Flynn, Bill Zedler, Larry Taylor, Glenn Hegar, Corbin Van Arsdale, Jodie Laubenberg, and other similarly undistinguished (in spite of at least one decent resume in the bunch) individuals to the Texas House of Representatives. Among this undistinguished lot of used carpet remnants was none other than Ken Paxton.

In 2002, the Republican Party of Texas was so damned cocksure that they’d take the House (they already had the Senate) that they recruited people like these to run and, thanks to the Texas Association of Business, Tom DeLay, TRMPAC, and some illegal campaign cash, they managed to elect this crop of people whose crowning achievements in life was most likely as members of FHTA in high school (Future Hubcap Thieves of America).

Sadly, they actually recruited many of these candidates. Why? Well, let’s just say it wasn’t because they were voted Most Likely To Author Historymaking Legislation by the brothers of Kappa Tappa Kegga (not that these guys would even qualify for membership in a fictional fraternity–note: Jodie Laubenberg probably would not have qualified for sorority membership, but we’re sure she’d have dated KTK guys). It was, in fact, because these people were recruited, selected, and elected by the party and its voters solely based on their beliefs.

These people were the bat-shit crazy Tea Party Wing of the Republican Party of Texas before the bat-shit crazy Tea Party Wing of the Republican Party existed–or was even cool.

In their wake came other legislators of similar brilliance and erudition, such as Dan Patrick, whose two major achievements in life appear to be having once had his nipples painted Oiler Blue and borrowing $1 million in cash to display it on a table in order hold a press conference during his first term in the Senate–the topic of which has long since been forgotten because it was the most stupid fucking stunt in the history of stupid fucking stunts (and because Dan Flynn now won’t stop asking to borrow money from him).

Patrick, Paxton, Flynn, Laubenberg, Van Arsdale, Zedler, Hegar, et al were mostly undistinguished or downright embarrassments to themselves and the uteri that birthed them prior to being elected to the Texas House, where they were kind enough to become embarrassments to the entire state. Flynn helped a couple (well, more than a couple) of banks fail in the 1980s, and had a spectacular personal bankruptcy that would put Dan Patrick’s to shame (at least Dan Patrick didn’t default on loans to the Texas Veteran’s Land Board). Paxton worked for Arthur Anderson, and as counsel at JC Penny [MOM JEANS!] and a few other places before being elected. While those may sound like great jobs (and they probably paid well), absolutely nothing about those jobs made him any more qualified for public office than a lifelong convenience store clerk. Laubenberg, before crawling out of an egg laid by an Emu suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, was on the Parker, Texas city council–which, at the time, was about like being 4th vice president of a noon Rotary club of 11 people. It was political experience, but it did not exactly qualify her for a legislative seat (in Republican minds, her desire to be the voice of aborted fetuses everywhere was her main qualification). Sure, Paxton was Student Body President at Baylor (hey, Chris Bell was the same at UT and he’s governor now…no, wait…he’s not), etc., etc., but none of that really qualified him (or anyone else) to be a member of the Texas Legislature (there’s a joke in that somewhere….”qualifications” for being a “Texas Legislator,” ha ha).

Now, with Paxton running for AG and Dan Patrick, the second generation of this class of Republicans that are very much like a second generation anal cyst, running for Lt. Governor, we hear some rumblings in the GOP establishment that maybe these aren’t the kind of candidates that they should have running for statewide office.

SERIOUSLY? YOU PEOPLE DIDN’T THINK OF THIS BEFORE? You didn’t think that, if you put a giant, steaming, leaky turd on a silver pedestal, and told it how important it was, and let it vote on things like, oh I don’t know, LAWS AND SHIT, that someday it might think it was important enough to reach for one of those golden pedestals of statewide office?

SHIT NO. You people did not think that far ahead. The GOP was still suffering from the semi-permanent priapism (erection lasting longer than three legislative sessions) of having just seen George W. Bush elected President, and was drunk on the swagger of Rick Perry, Tom Craddick, and the fact that in ONE LEGISLATIVE SESSION, they actually had the chance to totally fuck up everything from social services to Congressional Districts in this state–and then stand by and watch as the state burned (which only made the priapism MUCH WORSE–Republicans really get off on setting fire to government before drowning it in the bathtub).

So, to all of you Republicans bitching that Dan Patrick and Ken Paxton are an embarrassment to your party [YES, THEY ARE. YES. THEY. ARE.], here is what I have to say:


That’s right. HA HA, you big, incompetent, dorks. Your chickens have come home to roost. Sure, this has happened before. But this time, the chickens are trying to fuck the cows. And if you’ve ever seen a chicken try to have sex with a cow (Sid Miller has), that is some ugly shit. UGLY SHIT, PEOPLE.

In short, the pimply, snotty-assed, mouthy, teenagers you raised have grown up to become total embarrassments to you and your family as “adults.” (And we’re not even talking about Laubenberg–that’s not an embarrassment, that’s just a character from a 1960s B-level horror film live, breathing, and in the damned flesh).

Enjoy your chickens. You can either continue to let them roost–and fuck your cows (ahem, DEWHURST is soooo Dan Patrick’s bottom right now), or you can wring their necks, slam their wiggling bodies against the chicken coop, and eat them–and rid your party of some of some of the slime that has oozed in to your ranks over the last couple of decades. Your call. It will be fun to watch either way, so the only reason we give a shit is because we’re pretty tired of watching your chickens also screw the poor, elderly, women, and minorities after mounting and inserting their poky parts into your sacred cows (my god, their assholes must be soooooooo tired right now–I’m sure Dewhurst’s is–he sure looks like he could use one of those donut pillows).

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