It’s been a while since I last posted, as I have been a little busy recently. I broke up with a woman that I had allegedly been dating (I, for one, still vehemently deny the accusation that I would settle on monogamy and am offended by the suggestion), and have had to pick up the pieces of my life since then. Literally, I mean; she smashed up my apartment with a baseball bat. Last time I make mistake of exchanging keys with a prospective romantic partner, but I digress.
She also slashed the tires on my car, though thankfully did not do anything too awful to the great love of my life, such as smash in her windshield or car her brand new paint job. Still, the incident made me reevaluate my transportation options for a couple of days, as I had no way to get around and most of my friends were out of town interning with Deloitte or saving the fucking humpback glitter turtles off the coast of Narnia. So I called a cab.
Now, I’m not socially stunted like most people my age, so I have the capacity to pick up a goddamn phone and talk to another human…scary, huh? 452-9999, it’s a really fucking simple telephone number. The cab picked me up pretty quickly, and I took me where I was going. I probably wouldn’t eat off of the floor, but it was clean enough, and the driver seemed like an interesting enough dude, one I had an entertaining conversation with. But again, people my age don’t know how to look up from their damn phones
Come to think of it, I have had nothing but good experiences with Yellow Cab and other taxi companies, no matter what city I’ve been in. Typically it’s Austin and Dallas, but I’ve visited women in Houston before when I was far too drunk to safely operate an automobile, and they have done the trick down on the carcinogenic coast as well.
So when I hear the usual suspects in Austin politics clamoring about how shitty the cabs are, I am immediately skeptical. These fine people have gotten me out of sticky situations more times than I can remember, particularly in High School. But the supposed solution to this crisis-that-does-exist is a far, far worse medicine than the underlying ailment. These cocksuckers are called Lyft and Uber, and if Democrats are the herpes of the political world, these guys are the antibiotic-resistant syphilis.
Lyft and Uber, hereafter known as “syphilis,” claim that they are an app that connects drivers to people in need of rides, and as such are not a taxi company. They claim that, therefore, they do not have to follow the same regulations that a taxi company has to. Of course, I know a pimp who claimed he only connected men and women each seeking love, but that is a story for a different post.
Because of this asinine argument, so stupid that it should probably be watered twice a day, syphilis has entered the marketplace illegally. A couple of days ago, Lyft, and today, Uber. Even though the Austin City Council has begun to consider changes to the Taxi Code, syphilis said “Fuck it” and barged in anyways.
Now, let’s look at some of the oh-so-terrible regulations that syphilis wishes to do away with. First, they want to nix the whole “Licensed Drivers driving Licensed Vehicles” thing with taxi cabs. Rather, they believe in this super-cool system where randos download an app on their phone and just give people rides for money in their cars.
In other news, I’m going to open up a bar in my apartment. Lord knows I have any liquor for it. But it’s okay that I’m not registered with the TABC or anything because I just connect people who are thirsty with the soon-to-be-empty bottles of booze. Besides, if you dare try to enforce the law, YOU ARE STIFLING INNOVATION, FUTURE, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!! WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOM???????
Perhaps all my contemporaries ate a bunch of paint chips as children (which, when you live in this shithole of a City, you find to be a significant likelihood), but I just do not see the value of their arguments. I get it, syphilis has apps, but Yellow Cab does too. And unlike syphilis, you know exactly how much you are going to pay, and you can fucking use cash if you fucking want.
In a spirit of full disclosure, the more I started to research these cocksuckers, the more I just plain started to loathe them…like with fiery burning passion. They cavalierly break the law as if it does not apply to them, laws that are put in place for a reason.
Like insurance, for example. Currently there is a huge, gaping donut hole involving riding around with syphilis. Private car insurance does not cover commercial operations, and the syphilis providers do not cover the driver if he or she is not in the process of providing a ride. So if a car infected with syphilis slams into you while you are walking down the road, and you quickly transform into “Massive Headwound Harry,” you might be running around like a chicken with its head cut off looking for a way to pay your medical bills.
Now forget everything I just said, because that is just the selfish interpretation of the issue. This is how the issue of syphilis affects rich trial lawyer’s sons a/k/a little shits like me. And while there is a fairly good argument for this, the more compelling one would be those who entertain just a tiny goddamn smidgeon of altruism. I’ve made the case for this before, specifically in regard to the abortion issue.
Taxis are all about picking everyone up. Sometimes it’s a little more expensive than it could be, because they by law have to take everyone, even the most unprofitable rides. Typically these are short-length trip in bad neighborhoods that do not foster many rides. Even more so than Dallas, I have found that Austin is chock full of otherwise liberal people who go full libertarian-imbecile when the government ever dare mess with them personally.
They would rather disenfranchise the old and the crippled away from what is often their only transportation option, because they want a flashier ride. Geez, I’m an openly philandering asshole, and even I don’t go that far. Grow the fuck up and realize the entire goddamn world does not revolve around you.
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