Bob Deuell May Be A Tool, But Bob Hall Is Batshit Crazy

Unless you day drink and slept through the most awful, terrible, no-good primary that would make an otherwise healthy dog barf up shit vomit until it convulsed to death on a cold kitchen floor, you’ve figured out by now that some completely crazy shit happened last night.

We are talking “UT Frat boy waking up with a tattoo of a kitten and the words ‘I love Mom’ on a mattress on the floor of a beer-bottle and needle strewn 1920s Tudor on the East Side next to a hairy, middle-aged guy named Alfonse” crazy shit.

There were some downright tragedies, like Lon Burnam’s nail-biter loss. There were also some moments that make you realize Kinky Friedman was ahead of his time, and that a hell of a lot of Democratic Primary voters must already be spending their days stoned out of their fucking minds to put this ass-hat, hair-brained, dumber than a box of double-headed roofing nails absolute waste of the ink on a ballot, turd-in-the-sandbox shit-sandwich-eating ultra-supreme douchenozzel in the runoff for Ag Commissioner:

“Most people don’t know who anyone is. When they go in there, they look at three names. They either don’t vote at all — now, this is the primary — or they say ‘eenie, meenie, miney, mo,’ or they look at a name. They see Kinky Friedman and think, ‘That looks familiar…Naw. Asa? Naw. Jim Hogan? I’ve heard of Hogan! Yeah, I think I’ll vote for him! He sounds like a nice guy!’”

“It is exciting to start off and lead, but I’ve got no uncontrollable joy, you know what I mean?” Hogan said. “I know people are looking at that and saying, ‘Who in the world is Jim Hogan?’”

Hogan said he did not spend money during the campaign because “it’d be silly to raise money. I went on the phone and the internet.” He added that there was no need for a campaign website, which he doesn’t have, because “somebody’s going to Google you anyway.” (From the Texas Tribune)

So, while this unwanted hair on the cocktip of the Democraric Party tries to wrestle with his lack of “uncomfortable joy,” (WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘UNCOMFORTABLE JOY? ANYBODY?), gets on his Commodore 64 and visits GoDaddy to buy a website–and a fucking clue–with the money he’s not going to raise for the campaign he won’t bother to run, presumably because he is too busy trying to get everyone he knows to help him pull his out out of his leaky, shit-stank asshole, we have more fun to discuss.

While Jim “How The Fuck Did I Make It To The Runoff” Hogan has his head up his ass, the people who have their head up women’s va jay jays to make sure nobody is having an abortion–or, GOD FORBID, is hiding some Benghazi or Obamacare Death Panel evidence in their cooch–are trying to make the Texas Senate an even more disgustingly shit-strewn pigsty of an excuse for a bi-cameral legislative upper chamber than David Dewhurst, Joan Huffman, and Dan Patrick have already made it (although mad props to the Democrats for consistently trying to un-fuck this two-month-old-with-runny-shits’ diaper of a hot stank mess, and often succeeding).

How, you ask? Well, aside from trying to make Dan Patrick the next lieutenant governor (we are so packing our shit and moving the hell to Costa Rica if that shit goes down), they want to elect a complete disaster of an incompetent named Bob Hall to the Texas Senate.

Don’t get us wrong. We think Bob Deuell, the current SD 2 State Senator, is a tool. He’s too far to the right, but not a wacko, which is a positive. He’s a nice guy, tended to Mario Gallegos during his time of need a few years back, and, while we aren’t going to invite him over for tea and biscuits, we definitely rate him somewhere on the Republican Uselessness Scale well above, “Human Garbage” and likely between, “Aging Hippie who became a conservative when he made some scratch” and “Dude Who May Be, But Not Quite, But We Aren’t Too Sure, seems like a reasonably intelligent, decent, albeit misguided human being.”

Where to begin with Mr. Hall? First off, he went to a hell of a lot of effort to make his campaign signs look like the 1980s relics resurrected to coroplast that Congressman Ralph Hall has trotted out every election cycle since they were burning witches in Salem. (For the record, Ralph voted AGAINST burning the witches, because he was a Democrat then.)

Second, he is the leader of a little fringe radical Tea Party group known as the Canton Area Tea Party. (Their website is the sexiest, most beautiful thing on the planet Internet, FWIW. It is one animated gif away from making me hot, in fact.) When it’s members aren’t drowning suspected witches in Lake Tawakoni, they aspire to statements such as:

HB 2836 – Takes away authority over the curriculum standards (TEKS) from our elected Texas State Board of Education members. If passed this bill allow the Marxists to control what our children are taught.

Aside from being totally unaware that Commissioner of Education Michael L. Williams was a Marxist (can portly, African American Gentlemen who have a predisposition to now ties even BE Marxists?), THIS SHIT IS JUST STUPID. Since Bob Hall is the leader of this merry band of tinfoil-hat-wearing-nutters, we can only assume he agrees with baseless, shitsmear statements like this, and is presumably desirous of being elected to the Texas Senate to fight well-known avowed Marxists like Robert Nichols and Kevin Eltife–two senators known, KNOWN, I TELL YOU, to be pink, pink right down to their underwear just like Helen G. Douglas.

But wait, that’s not all. Aside from the obligatory Benghazi crap, Hall’s own website claims the candidate demands that teachers and public employees should be able to proselytize anywhere (including in the classroom) and that state funding should be denied to any local government that restricts these religious freedoms.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want my local school to allow a teacher to distribute The Watchtower, and try to tell my kids that only 144,000 people are going to make it to heaven. For one thing, everybody knows that number is really closer to 212,400. But, based on what Hall proposes, this is evidently exactly what HE wants, and he wants to make sure local governments are powerless to stop it. (Presumably, under his proposal, any witches left that haven’t been burned by Ralph Hall or drowned by the Canton Area Tea Party who also happen to be teachers, could also do a little Wiccan proselytize on their religious beliefs as well–before being burned/drowned.)

This guy is just nuts. For one thing, he actually went to a Texas Nationalists Rally, stood up, grabbed the mic, and called those advocating for Texas independence, “traitors.” While NOT holding the same belief as Texas Nationalists is perhaps his only sane public thought, it proves he’s crazy. Nobody in their right mind would pull a stunt like that, because everybody knows those fuckers are armed to the teeth.

Seriously, just google this ass clown. Please. You won’t be disappointed.

And, for all of you Tea Party Republicans in Kaufman and Van Zandt Counties that helped give this disgusting anal wart his margins for the runoff, why not just stay in bed and keep screwing your cousins/siblings on runoff day? Your votes are so not needed. Thanks!

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Good times with Greg Abbott and his women

Desperate to distract people from his pitiful campaign and reeling from the realization that his good buddy is a child rapist, Greg Abbott campaigned in Brownsville as part of his pinata politics tour of Texas (thank you, Lubbock CM Hernandez!). At an event, Abbott felt moved to take a picture and tweet it out…

Greg Abbott women

Granted, it’s unconventional to have a man hold a ‘Women For…’ sign but it’s necessary when candidates want to show the world that they have support from a group that really doesn’t support them. Here are some other ideas for the Abbott campaign…

1) A fat old white guy with an ‘African American Students For Abbott’ sign
2) A fat old white guy with an ‘OutYouth for Abbott’ sign
3) A fat old white guy with a ‘Geeky Guys Who Never Grew Up And Actually Listen To Music From Star Trek In The Car’sign (this one kinda works)
4) A fat old white guy with an ‘Indian American Women For Abbott’ sign
5) A fat old white guy with a ‘Filipino Garment Workers For Abbott’ sign

Seriously, you can claim support from ANY demographic group using these ideas as a basis. All you need is an old fat white guy, a sign and a marker.

You’re welcome, General.

Posted in Stupid Republican Tricks | Comments Off

Oh, come on… this is easy…

Greg Abbott, after spending much of this past month campaigning with a child rapist, was in Lubbock for a campaign event designed to show off how much support he has in the Latino community. Some members of the Latino community in Lubbock were less than pleased with his half hearted effort, especially Lubbock City Councilmember Victor Hernandez

When the subject of Cecilia Abbott came up at a press conference the Democrats held at the same restaurant on Wednesday, Hernandez said he did not “want to say a whole lot about his wife, because this really isn’t about his wife. It’s about her husband,” according to the Fox story.

He also called on the attorney general to “go beyond the props of a background of a Mexican restaurant, and actually come to our community.”

Hernandez additionally referred to Abbott’s campaign swing as ‘pinata politics’ which is a pretty sweet way of saying Abbott’s interest in the Latino community is merely for show, which makes complete sense. Note that in this there’s no mention of the fact that Abbott’s wife is Latina. That part doesn’t come up until here…

After the appearance, Abbott said from his Twitter account, “Ha! Democrats frustrated about my #Latina wife & growing connection (between) Hispanics & Republicans.” He linked to the Fox story that quoted Hernandez.

In a subsequent tweet on Friday, Abbott expressed outrage that Hernandez had allegedly referred to his wife as a “prop.”

“It’s deeply offensive that a Democrat elected official called my Latina wife of 32 years a ‘prop,’” Abbott wrote. He linked to a blog post written by former Republican Party spokesman Bryan Preston. In the post, Preston wrote that a “source tells me that Hernandez callously dismissed her as a ‘prop.’”

You see, Abbott DOES need Latino votes to win and contrary to his Pollyanna-ish tweet, he’s actually driving them away from his campaign, not toward it. He’s also had a pretty brutal last two weeks as people caught on to the fact that he likes to pal around with a child molester. Needless to say, he needed something to distract attention and, miraculously, a former Republican Party spokesman with a blog magically appears with a questionable quote designed to create a manufactured crisis.

Yeah, it’s made up in an effort to deflect from the fact that the only Latina who likes Greg Abbott is his wife. I wonder how she must feel about her husband being besties with a guy who likes to rape little girls…

bnugent and abbott

And, in honor of Ted Nugent’s faaaaavorite pass time, here’s the immortal Maurice Chevalier…

Posted in Stupid Republican Tricks, Texas | Comments Off

Dear Brigid Shea

I’m going to be honest here for a second… I like you despite the fact that, honestly, you run shitty races and spend way too much money on them. I didn’t vote for you and I’m encouraging everyone I know in Precinct Two (the best!) to vote for Garry Brown, mostly because you don’t seem to get what this job is. It’s not that your ideas aren’t great, it’s that the Commissioners Court is the place where, frankly, you can do fuckall about them. I think you could better serve on the city council and don’t really get why you want to be a county commissioner but hey, I can understand that it looked like a good gig.

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a note about your mail blasts… they’re too frequent. Is anyone actually opening them any more? And brunch with Release The McCracken sounds less like a fun thing and more like a punishment. Maybe spend a few hours today rethinking incentives?

Gotta run… best of luck in everything but this race!

-McB

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Obama proposes $302 billion transportation bill

Obama proposes $302 billion transportation bill.

Fantastic idea… if only we’d done it in 2009 WHEN I AND EVERYONE ELSE WITH A BRAIN WAS SAYING IT NEEDED TO BE FUCKING DONE.

This needs to be ten years at this same amount, every year. The economy will expand dramatically and deficits will start to turn to surpluses in year three or four. So, DO IT, Mr. President.

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Behind the Curtain With Wendy Davis | Texas Monthly

Infighting among the people running Wendy Davis’s campaign? Who’d have guessed?

Behind the Curtain With Wendy Davis | Texas Monthly.

Seriously, y’all, get your shit together and stop with the touchyfeely personal story bullshit. Politics IS clash… anyone who thinks differently is a fucking idiot. You win in Texas by being a bigger, smarter, meaner sonuvabitch than the other sonuvabitch.

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Abbott Flees! UPDATED

From Quorum Report this AM comes news that CNN tried to confront Greg Abbott about Ted Nugent. Apparently, a staffer blocked the reporter and Abbott fled the scene.

If anyone has art on this, I would LOVE to see it!

UPDATE 11am

Here’s the CNN article with footage of Abbott going to hide!

Posted in Stupid Republican Tricks, Texas | Comments Off

Austin is nation’s fastest growing city for 4th straight year, Forbes says | Austin News & Weather | Austin Texas, Round Rock, TX | kxan.com

OMG… QUIT moving here! Oh, and by the way team at KXAN… Forbes is not a real news source. Forbes is what poor people think rich people read.

Austin is nation’s fastest growing city for 4th straight year, Forbes says | Austin News & Weather | Austin Texas, Round Rock, TX | kxan.com.

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Rush Limbaugh’s reaction to Michael Sam coming out: Heterosexuals are “under assault” – Salon.com

Is Rush Limbaugh back on his hillbilly heroin?

Rush Limbaugh’s reaction to Michael Sam coming out: Heterosexuals are “under assault” – Salon.com.

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The Brief: Abbott Pushes Back on “Third World” Criticism | The Texas Tribune

"I will not adopt a head-in-the-sand approach to dealing with public corruption."

via The Brief: Abbott Pushes Back on "Third World" Criticism | The Texas Tribune.

General Abbott, during your 12 years in office, where are all your official corruption prosecutions? Where are all those people at CPRIT you’ve prosecuted? Or the Enterprise Fund? Or TCEQ? Or the RRC?

General, you’ve tolerated official corruption so conspicuously for so long that there is no way anyone can view your comments as anything other than racist.

EVERY citizen from Brownsville to El Paso knew exactly what you meant, General. And they’ll remember in November.

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